Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
I just checked my calendar only to realize that Eid is next week Subhanallah…HOW EVEN?!!! I’m basically lowkey freaking out. Actually no, I’m outrightly and openly freaking out because I have an assignment due on Wednesday, a tonne of work to do for my final project which is due next week on Friday, of which Eid is also next week, so I have no idea how that’ll work out because regardless of when Eid will be, I have to be back for my Friday class which is my project class; of which I am extremely far behind on so I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go home for more than a day to spend time with my family.
Not to mention I have to start filming for my documentary class, and on the 11th of July I will be traveling to Ethiopia in shaa Allah for my field studies class; for which 'Yaaay!'... but not really because I'm way too exhausted. Tell me my stress levels should not be through the roof right now. And yet I look around me and no one else seems to be losing their minds. No one seems to be experiencing a volcanic eruption of stress and anxiety. And it makes me wonder; maybe I’m the misfit here. Maybe I take things too seriously, but then shouldn’t school be taken seriously? Shouldn’t one’s future be handled with care? Then again maybe I think too much too.
However, there is a silver lining.I don’t know what it is yet but I’m sure it exists.I prayed about my worries and fears today and I let it all out. It felt good, it felt freeing to release all that built up angst. I also cried, but don’t worry about it, crying comes naturally for me.Whenever I’m in a dark situation where I feel helpless,frantic and vulnerable, my instinct is simply to cry.And that’s something I’m not ashamed of,I’m ok with tears, because afterwards I’m able get my mind straight and do what needs to be done.Other times I simply cry some more.
I know that one day I’m going to look back on this situation and wonder why I was so stressed, but one thing I do not want to do is look back and feel like I wasted this time of my life worrying, obsessing and being fearful.I want to look back in shaa Allah, and say that even though I was pressed up against the wall, I have something to show for it; I lived, even if for a little. I didn’t allow the weight of the darkness to crumble on my feeble shoulders. I want to say that I sought pleasure in the things that brought me joy, the things that made me happy.And who knows, maybe that is the silver lining.That amongst all the turmoil, we still have the capability and opportunity to take part in what we love, when so many have not been gifted with that. We still have the chance to be anchored and to be latched on to our passions.
As I sat in my script writing class today and my mind wandered off to all my pending commitments, I wrote this little snippet, which to me seems a bit eerie and moody but I guess that was what oozed out of me then:
Tired of school, Stress on peak.
Missing my art, wanting to bloom.
Wanting to cry, wanting to speak.
The rebel in me, scared of being judged.
Scared of being shunned, scared of being banned.
Make my mom proud, work on my dreams
Scared of failure, scared of mediocre
Scared of failure.
Craving sleep, craving rest.
Anxious and anxious,lowkey though.
Happy with my faith.
Wanting to scream out loud, wanting to dance.
Wanting to travel.
Happy with my faith, Proud of myself.
Scared of failing, tired of uni.
Facing my demons.
Ready to be alive, Ready to feel alive.
Thankful for today, Hoping it gets better.
Praying it gets better, Believing it gets better.
Yes.It gets better.