Saturday, August 19, 2017

I'm such a control freak!But i'm done now.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
Hey you!

Yesterday night was bae, I lay in bed contemplating on life’s strange ways, completely oblivious of the rest of the world. The fairy lights hanging on my walls along with SZA’s new album CTRL provided the perfect ambiance for me to get perfectly intimate with my feelings. And so as a result, yesterday’s dishes are comfortably sitted in the kitchen sink and counter, glaring at me condescendingly as they normally do. But at this point in time, I don’t really care as much. I don’t want to care as much about people the dishes and their need to constantly judge my inability to handle…well…adulting. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that the dishes can patiently await their bath time as I do much more important things like update my blog, and get in touch with my virtual friends.

July was quite the tumultuous month for me. Emotionally, I’ve been quite volatile and uneasy, stemming from the fact that I simply couldn’t seem to get it together. Like I’ve said before, the dynamics of my life have definitely changed; which isn’t anything out of the ordinary because life is a story of evolution. If there’s anything constant about it it’s that it’s always changing; which may well be obvious but what a weighty matter for me to grasp. My realization is that as much as I anticipate change, I expect it to arrive gradually and gracefully where I’m able to let it land on my worn out fingers like a pretty fluttering butterfly on a warm sunny day. However when I snap back to reality, it dawns on me that change is more often drastic, inelegant and clumsy.

I think that’s why I lack in the hospitality department. I don’t entirely hate the idea of entertaining guests; in fact I could even say I highly enjoy it. But only a few a time and it has to be premeditated, in the sense that I was informed prior to the arrival of the guests, so that I can prepare, mentally and…well mostly mentally. But I guess lately I’ve been learning that the world isn’t going to come to an end if the dishes are comfortably sitted in the sink waiting. The world isn’t on fire if the food you cooked turned out too salty or didn’t even turn out at all and thus you had to throw it all out. Life goes on even after embarrassing moments like unexpected guests walking into an abyss of unorganized and messy glory. Such is life, stop trying to control every second of it and make everything so perfect. Stop trying to be so perfect; Stop letting every single thing that goes wrong turn you into an explosive, unpredictable beast. Learn to chill out.

My mom keeps dishing out these tablets of wisdom (very hard to swallow) every time I mess shit up, which happens more often than I would want to admit, unintentionally of course. What’s astonishing is how it always adds up to what a failure of a wife I’m going to be. And to be honest, this hurts me to the depths of my soul, partly because some part of me feels like her words are spot on. I mean, my mom managed to raise two kids by herself, build a house, send those kids to great schools, always put food on the table and all the while make it look like a walk in the park. And did I mention that she still wakes up early as hell, cooks and cleans and still has time to chill I MEAN COME ONNNNN!!!Meanwhile here I am looking like a hot damn mess. Ugh.

Simultaneously, the other part of me feels that the reason I feel so hurt by her words is that I feel utterly betrayed by them. I feel like I just sincerely vented for hours to my best friend about how exhausted I am and she simply retorted with a ‘get over it.’ Because I honestly feel like I work extremely hard, only for all my efforts to be completely disregarded. Giving my all at work, at home and still trying to maintain my loves of blogging and Youtube at the same time find time for a social life, self care and not forgetting sleep? It’s exhausting and not to mention extremely overwhelming having to constantly convince yourself that yes, you will do amount to something, you are working your ass off and hell yeah you’ll make one hell of a wife. As tempestuous and ungraceful as you are, you are worth it and you will find someone who appreciates that.

For the longest time, I was so resentful towards my mom for making me feel so inadequate and even more resentful towards myself because a part of me felt it to be true. So there I was lashing out at every living creature that dare look my way, stressed out of my mind as if the world would come to an end if I just accepted that you know what, I’m not my mum. I’m not that girl who has their shit together every second of everyday. Hell maybe I’m not even as strong as the average female but that’s ok, because that’s me, that’s my pace, that’s my healthy state of mind. And so if I need to take a day or two to find my way or catch my breath, that’s freaking ok, we all need to do what we need to do. And guess what? The world will keep on moving just like it aways does, even when the dishes are perfectly dumped in the sink, and life isn’t as perfect as we wanted it to be. In any case, perfection is overrated.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

I am Me, and I am Shameless.

 Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh!
Hello my loves!

Lately I’ve been thinking quite abit about life-my life, my present, past and what I want for myself in the future. I’ve been contemplating upon the concept of being fierce and living life bravely and boldly. However I do have to say that although this ‘press pause and reflect’ mode was activated greatly by the circumstances I was in, it was also highly inspired by Shameless Maya. If you don’t know who she is, you should definitely check out her channel and ruminate in all she’s about!

I’ve been watching Maya’s videos since forever, and I even remember showing one of her inspirational videos about being fearless and going for the gold in an entrepreneurship conference that I was spearheading. To me Maya isn’t just another Youtuber I watch, rather a mentor, an advisor, an influencer and one of my biggest inspirations. Her story is truly inspiring and I'm sure most of you will find it quite ravishing.

However it’s only recently when I seriously sat down and thought about her message and brand, ‘Be shameless.’ Although I’ve been watching her for ages and hearing the ‘be shameless’ mantra over and over again, it’s only a few days ago when I genuinely understood what she meant and hence decided that from now on, I would be Shameless, fearless, bold, brave and fierce in the pursuit of what makes me happy.

From back in the day when I was still yungin’ (lol is that even a thing), I remember always desperately trying to seek the approval of others. I was always worried that I wasn’t good enough and would ultimately disappoint one or the other. I got myself into bad company because I was too scared to say no, too afraid of what my ‘friends’ would think. I compromised my ideas and views because I was afraid of upsetting the status quo. But the most unfortunate part of it all is that I let people talk me out of my dreams and convince me that what they wanted for me was what I wanted. And for the longest time I walked my path careful not to upset anyone; neither my friends nor my family, yet all along I was upsetting myself. But that wasn’t important because I wasn’t important, I wasn’t a priority.

I vividly recall during a Parent teacher meeting in high school where my Kiswahili teacher told my guardian that the reason why I wasn’t performing well was because I was often so keen on pleasing everyone else that I failed to notice how I was completely disregarding myself. At the time I thought she was stretching the situation a tad bit too much, but as I look at it now I realize she was spot on. I was so desperate to get people to like me that I would end up putting myself in troublesome situations just so  that someone- anyone would consider me to be part of their squad. And when it wasn't about trying to please my friends, it was about trying to please my teachers or my family; and quite frankly, it was exhausting.

For the longest time I hid the fact that I had a blog, I didn’t want anyone to know because deep down I didn’t think my writing was good enough. And then I thought...what if they don’t like it? What if they think it’s stupid and dumb? Then I’m stupid and dumb which means that I’m an embarrassment, I’m a failure. And let’s face it, the fear of failure is a deep and dark abyss filled with crippling doubts and non-existent monsters. But I’ve made the decision to be done with that. And even as I make this declaration I can hear the ‘what if’s’ and ‘don’t kid yourself’ slowly creeping in from the back of my mind, but someone once told me that there is more value in trying and failing than in not trying at all. So I have to try, and I have to give it my all. 
Having the guts to be your true self definitely takes courage.It’s not easy having to search within yourself for truths that you might not be ready to come to terms with, but I promise you that confronting your truth will open doors that you never even knew existed.So go for it.

Being Shameless to me means daring to dream and dreaming actively and confidently. It means planning and strategizing and sacrificing what you need to, to get to where you need to go and create the life you want. It means being fearless and fierce when all you want to do is run. It means being confident in the belief that what I have to offer is worthwhile and important. So enough with the people pleasing, with the worrying about what everyone thinks, with the shame and the fear. It’s time to start living and to start living shamelessly. 

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Just how fast the night changes.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
Hey Hey Heeyyy!!!!

It’s been a while, which is quite the cliché term on this blog, but true none the less. It seems like only yesterday when I was expressing how happy and content I was. I recall stating on my last blog post how at peace I felt in my then current situation; which was basically blogging, Youtubing and driving classes, of which I passed thank God!

But alas they say life changes in an instant and that is exactly what happened. I got a job!!!Which I never expected at all! Immediately I finished my driving test I headed over to the office for my first day of work, talk about prompt timing! The funny thing is that the call completely took me aback. I had already planned my life after finishing my driving classes; keep growing my content online and move back to Nairobi for an internship I was yet to be called for.

Little did I know that I was about to make a rapid and abrupt detour on the rocky road that is life. I must admit, at first I was utterly confused and unsure. This was not at all in my plans and all my stuff was still lounging in Nairobi along with the rest of my life. I honestly had no plans of moving back to my home town sad to say. It’s not that I don’t love my home town Mombasa; I mean who doesn’t love sunny skies and tropical vibes? But I’ve been in Nairobi since I was 13, which is a huge chunk of my growing up.
Most of what I’ve known is in Nairobi, which is ironic because when I first moved there I despised the city entirely. I despised the cold weather, the wet roads and the gloomy days. I despised the hustle and bustle of the city streets, the noisy honking of rowdy matatus and the shoving and pushing of the Nairobi crowds. I despised the pace, the ‘I’m in hurry to go nowhere’ pace. I despised it all because it was nothing like the tropical land of Mombasa, where the morning sun welcomes you with a smile and the evening ocean waves sing to calm the hearts.

And yet here I am, back in my home town but yearning to be back in the busy noisy streets of Nairobi. I’ve grown to love the city for some reason. Maybe it’s because of all the growing up it has witnessed in me, or the number of hearts the city has inspired me to break. Maybe it’s all the souls that have intertwined with mine, or the stories that I have lived, I don’t know, maybe it’s all of these things. Then again maybe it’s none.

Life has changed now and I choose to believe for the better. I’ve moved back home and a part of me feels as though I’m in this weird limbo zone where I’m floating between two places I call home. I think it’s possible to have two homes, or even more, right? or maybe not. Simultaneously, I feel like I now have to start from scratch;  make new friends and learn how to be an adult; an adult with an 8 to 5 job who’s also trying to stay afloat of her blogging and Youtube.Non the less, this is good.This is a chance for me to rediscover Mombasa, to be enchanted by new places and aromas;to live through new stories, and grow myself.Besides,it doesn't mean that i'll never go back to Nairobi, like I said, life changes in an instant and who knows what exciting surprises the future holds.

Thus,now you know why I’ve been gone for so long.No I haven’t quit blogging nor youtube, and I’m definitely not married (ps. I have no idea where some of you got that from). I’ve simply been busy trying to adjust to the changes.I’m confident though, I will get the hang of things soon enough in shaa Allah.Thanks to all you who’ve stuck around and more so those who reached out to me.It really does mean a lot.I hope you guys are fairing on well and as always I love hearing from you guys!xoxo

Saturday, March 18, 2017

So here's what's been going on...

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
Hello Everyone!

I’m not sure how I got here exactly, for those who read my beginning of the year post, you know that we didn’t quite start off on the right foot. However, at the moment I’m actually in quite a different place; a happier place. I feel less angsty and anxious, we could even say I’m calm (which is a rare treat for me as I’m always worrying about the next little thing) not collected though, just calm. I also feel excited and most especially positive. So rather than me spilling my guts on here about what’s been going on and how my life took this abrupt turn for the better, I thought I would make things interesting by taking stock because let’s face it, we all need to pause and reflect from time to time.

Currently: nursing a serious flu that literally came out of nowhere. It’s basically 1000 degrees in Mombasa and here I am on bed rest, drinking loads of fluids because I have a cold? Oh well, atleast now I have an excuse to lazy around and binge on some of my favourite shows to watch at the moment. Also, as a Muslim the idea of illness is actually quite profound because it is generally seen as a sort of cleansing and healing phase, in that when a Muslim is sick his sins fall from him as leaves shed from trees.

Hadith - Muslim & Bukhari
Abu Sa'id al-Khudri r.a. reported that the Prophet said: Whenever a Muslim is afflicted with a hardship, sickness, sadness, worry, harm, or depression --even a thorn's prick, Allah expiates his sins because of it.
So basically it’s a win win for me!

Drinking:  Tea! Loads and loads of Kericho gold’s Green Tea in Passion and Jasmine flavour. It has an amazing aroma and I love the fact that it’s a local product which I’m all up to support.

Wondering: when will I ever get my sleeping pattern together and actually develop a functioning Morning routine because I can’t keep on living like this anymore!!!!!!Help me😖

Loving: Making Youtube videos!!!I honestly didn’t think I would enjoy myself this much but Alhamdulillah it’s such a great feeling!If you haven’t subscribed to my channel yet please do so here!

Watching: Too much Youtube! However I’ve been especially loving videos by Lucy Moon (as always), vlogs by Lily Melrose who I’ve always loved, and this new channel by Anna called thereshegoes. She does a lot of thrifting videos which as you guys know speak to me because I love to thrift too. But what I love most about her channel is her genuine nature and authenticity. Moreover, I absolutely love her Bohemian and free spirit aesthetic which I really gravitate to.

Listening: to Ella Mai’s Time EP a tad bit too much. It’s a very explicit EP but I genuinely love how it makes me feel like such a badass lol.I also stumbled upon some great new artists recently: Tatiana Manaois, Astrid S and Daya.Check them out when you can!

Reading: Heather Awad’s The Lovely Brush poetry Collection which I downloaded for free from Noise Trade. This year I want to read books that I genuinely enjoy and want to read. Normally, for the sake of ‘this year I want to read more books’ I would pick up a book and feel that I had to complete the whole book even when I realized a few chapters into the book that I was not interested in it anymore. The book simply doesn’t speak to me. This year instead of staying stagnant trying to finish a book I deep down know I won’t, I’m going to read what speaks to me.

Waiting: To be done with my driving classes!!!I have my exam next Wednesday in shaa Allah and I’m kind of lowkey freaking out but I know I’m going to do well bi’idhnillah.

Looking: forward to the next few months to be honest.I never thought I would even be in this state of mind considering my I hate 2017 post but Alhamdulillah, it does get better.

Enjoying: my life at the moment! My time is basically split between my driving classes, blogging, Youtube, Job hunting and… chores. Luckily I do have some help around the house at the moment so I can atleast afford to work on my goals. However, I genuinely love where I’m at right now including the pace and path I’m on Alhamdulillah.

Feeling: happy, slightly freaked out but all in all confident and grateful.

Thinking: about the lengths people are willing to go to so as to find success. I definitely do understand the need and pressure to make it and be successful; however there is definitely a level of moral degradation in the society where we’re normalizing situations that should not be normalized at all, all for the sake of money, fame and this fallacy that happiness equals to money and fame. However I do feel that there is so much more to life and so much for us to learn and appreciate, without compromising our values and ourselves in the process *note to self.

Hoping: for the best in everything, and that you’re having a fantastic time wherever you are.

So that’s basically the 411, I hope you’re weekend is going super lovely so far. As always, I love hearing from you guys! xoxo

Sunday, February 19, 2017

When Lions learn to write.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
Hello everyone!😄

'Until the Lion learns to write, every story will glorify the hunter.' 
African Proverb

When I came up with the idea of filming Changing the Narrative, I was adamant on presenting to the world the Africa that I had come to love, adore and appreciate. I have not always been proud of Africa the way I am today. In fact, before I started my course on International Relations, I was one of the many Africans who saw this continent as one that was beyond repair. I genuinely saw it as a dark continent. If you were to ask me who my favourite authors were, you would notice that all the names came from the Western part of the globe. And not that there’s anything wrong with that, but in my situation, I genuinely thought that African authors had nothing to offer and that western authors always had something genuine to say and so a better way for me to spend my time. That being said, it wasn’t that I preferred western literature to African literature, it was that I completely dismissed African literature even before giving it a chance. I would think to myself, ‘what do they know about this issue, they’re from Africa just like me, they probably have nothing of value to add.’

And it didn’t stop there. My travel and shopping list was full of countries and items from the west; Paris, America, The UK. These were the places I aspired to travel to, because what did Africa have to offer other than famine, hunger and political instability. What was there to see that I hadn’t already seen in my own country? No. To dream of travelling around Africa was to dream small. It’s like wanting to see your neighbour’s house when it looks exactly like yours! ‘Dream big’ we were always told. However to me for some reason, that meant aspiring to Western heights.

I remember in my last year of high school as the concept of University drew closer, I was extremely focused on getting into an American University or one in the UK, because what’s better than that? Even when my teachers spoke of great Kenyan Universities, I would simply think to myself, that’s not for me, that’s simply not dreaming big enough. In my mind I was completely brainwashed to believe that West was best. I even dismissed my own culture and heritage. For the longest time, I was completely against learning my ethnic languages because I simply felt that that was taking a step back from civilization. Even dressing in my cultural attire was a huge problem for me because I had such a negative perception towards it.

But boy was I wrong. The irony of my University experience is that I actually ended up going to the United States International University of Africa, to which I was completely against the idea. Not because it was not a University in the West, but because at that moment I genuinely wanted to attend a Kenyan University, and in my mind, this University wasn’t Kenyan enough. (I know, I’m so confusing but let’s just roll with it). However, little did I know that this decision would be one of the most important and pivotal of my life.

Through my university experience, I blossomed in all aspects of my life. I experienced a paradigm shift in terms of how I saw the world and in turn how I saw Africa. I got to meet different people from all over Africa and the rest of the world, and experience various cultures that really opened my eyes to how beautiful and rich this continent is. It made me appreciate my heritage and culture, my kinky hair and melanated skin. It made me appreciate my roots and history and gave me a new found respect for where I come from.

Me embracing my culture at my Uni's culture week :)

Granted that Africa does experience a myriad of challenges, it is also where calm and chaos live side by side. I have definitely found a love for this continent that I never knew was in me and I feel responsible to share this new found appreciation with the rest of the world. Because I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who was chained to this fallacy of Africa as darkness and hopelessness. In my opinion, young people in Kenya today definitely have some level of awareness about Kenya and even Africa. But I doubt they understand how important and essential it is for them to learn about their history, heritage and culture and be proud of who they are and where they come from.And so I hope that this short film can inspire Africans and non Africans to learn about all that Africa has to offer, and dismiss all these false narratives that we as a people keep being bombarded with. I hope that this can be our first step to changing the narrative.

Ps. If you haven't watched the short film, make sure you do!As always I love hearing from you guys!xoxo