Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What we talk about when we talk about love.

 Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
Hey guys

Lately i've been doing an immense amount of research on writing. For the simple reason that my skills are an abomination to the writer's community.And this research endeavor is my feeble attempt to improve on that. To be quite honest, the bulk of information that lay in wait for a rookie writer only serves to amplify my neurosis.It basically screams out the plain fact that i have absolutely no idea what the hell i am doing.The whole situation has been quite daunting on me to the extent where i am left completely paralyzed.But still i stand, persistently searching for creativity and inspiration in every corner of my artistic world.

Today i want to share with you a quote that always seems to inspire me whenever i feel like my well of motivation is running low.I feel that every writer experiences those days when they outrightly do not feel the joy of writing.You simply don't want to freaking write and it's utterly frustrating!In my case, it is often usually because everything i write only seems to unravel into absolute shit, and i unfortunately have no idea how to fix it.On those days,i like to read.To read and to focus on the good.Like this quote here.

I extracted this quote/ passage from the movie Stuck In Love.Of course it had to be!What can i say?I had to do it for the fans.This is the speech William Borgens gives to a class of young writers at Samantha's celebration for the publishing of her book.The aura that surrounds this scene tends to remind me of all the abrupt mini bursts of motivational talks that usually spurt out of Mr, Mutua's (my principles of broadcasting lecturer) interesting self.He is a vibrant man with a passion for journalism and nurturing young talent.In such motivational moments,there is a certain tranquil feeling that descends upon the class.The room is dead silent and you can almost see the colourful waves of inspiration that begin to surround each and every student when Mr.Mutua speaks.

"Your Professor while a very nice man is a sneaky son of a bitch.The reason Lesley (the professor) could never get me up here to talk about the process of writing, is i'm not sure i have much to say about it that could benefit you.I still find it all very mysterious, years after i wrote my first book.And i'm not sure what it is that compels a person to continue to play make believe even after they're an adult.My favourite book is a collection of stories by Raymond Carver called 'What We Talk About When We Talk About Love'.And in the closing lines of the titled book Carver says, 'I could hear my heart beating, i could hear everyone's heart.I could hear the human noise we sat there making.Not one of us moved,not even when the room went dark'.And i think that is what writing is.It's listening for that beating heart, and when we hear it, its our job to decipher it, to the best of our abilities." 

I couldn't agree more. The story itself i found to be quite riveting and refreshing.I definitely recommend it.You can download and read the full text here: What We Talk About When We Talk about Love. Ps. It's free and you're welcome.

Monday, October 26, 2015

On crying over boys,being Stuck In Love and not being a good writer.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuhu
Hey guys

This is what 4a.m looks like where i am.Well its actually 3.47a.m and i still haven't had a wink of sleep.It's becoming quite a trend unfortunately.I also pulled an all nighter on Friday because i had an assignment due on Saturday as well as an exam that i had absolutely zero preparation for.I keep saying i won't be doing this to myself anymore,but there i am, in the same situation every other exam season.Quite frankly, i'm really glad exams are over.I always seem to have this cycle where i think i have enough time to study,realize i don't,realize that i have not even a single piece of information on that particular subject,panic,get my shit together and finally study like my life depends on it.It seems to work for me but i can only do it for so long.Its quite exhausting actually.

Its cold outside.Not freezing cold but you can feel the coolness and dampness in the breeze.I don't like the cold to be honest.Well actually i don't like to feel the cool breeze brush against my bare skin.But i like it if i'm dressed warmly and my clothes feel like a bear tight hug.The frogs in my neighbour's compound are croaking.Its quite annoying because its not at all melodious or harmonious.Just a bunch of frogs with croaky voices competing to see who will be the loudest.Normally its the dogs that are just blatantly irritating with all their endless barking,but today they seem to be well behaved.And i've been up all night so i would know.I wonder how the neighbours deal with all the fracas though.They must really be knocked out.Probably after getting high.

I cried over a boy today.The last time i cried over a boy was in 2013.It feels yerky and stupid now that i think of it.I now remember why i put it off for so long.I keep looking at myself in the mirror to see if the swelling in my eyes have gone down.People compliment my eyes alot.But they've never seen how ugly and blood shot they get when the waterfall starts flowing.I'm quite the ugly crier.I think i might even be worse than Kim Kardarshian, and she's really winning in the ugly criers category.There's someone playing 2pac songs right now, and i can feel my head migraining to the beat.But this being a building full of college students i think late night playlists are warranted.Loud late night playlists.Especially since we're all recovering from last week's mid-semester exams.

Stuck in Love is definitely one of my favourite films ever.Since i've been taking my Principles of Broadcasting course,i've become quite analytical when it comes to watching films.Or anything for that matter.My lecturer asked me when i got married the other day. He noticed that i was wearing a ring on my 'wedding-ring finger'.I honestly pay no attention to such things.I just wear rings because i want to.Also, my fingers tend to magically expand and contract so sometimes my rings only fit on certain fingers.Does this happen to anyone else?Anyway, i was in the middle of my exam when he put a sheet of paper on my desk with the question 'Kadzo, when did you get married?' I simply replied that it was a strategy to confuse all the thirsty college boys.That felt like a much more comprehensive answer compared to 'my fingers got fat and this is the only finger my ring could fit into'.Best lecturer ever if you ask me.

The course is basically about learning how to tell stories through pictures.Filmmaking in simpler terms.Which is why i've fallen even deeper for the movie 'Stuck in Love.' There's a scene where Bill, a successful writer is caught red handed reading his son's (Rusty) journal when it's clearly an invasion of privacy, and he also promised he would never dare to.Bill pays his kids Rusty and Sam to keep journals so that they can focus on their writing.The two are also aspiring writers.It's basically an awesome movie about love,books and a bunch of writers.How awesome is that?Their conversation flows a little like this:
Bill caught red handed reading Rusty's journal.

(After Rusty confronts his dad about reading his journal and his dad explains to him why he read his journal...)

Rusty: Flattery is not going to get you out of this.
Bill: Oh no, that's, that's coming to an end right now. You know Flannery O'Connor?
Rusty: I know Flannery O'Connor.
Bill: She said, nothing needed to happen in a writer's life after they were twenty.By then they'd experienced more than enough to last their creative life, so-
Rusty: So what's your point?
Bill: My point is... Rusty, i don't think you're experiencing enough.I mean the reason you're so comfortable leaving your goddamn journal here on my desk is because, there's nothing you're trying to hide from me in your life.And that really worries me.

To be honest it worries me too.I don't know why but this conversation really resonated with me.My mind keeps on skipping to ten years from now and the regrets that my heart will harbour.Might harbour. And i look at myself now and wonder if i'm seeking out life and really having experiences that will last me a lifetime.And quite frankly i came to the realization that i'm really not that good of a writer.I can see the characters in my troubled mind going on about their different activities.I can hear their breathing, their laughter. And i can almost see what they feel and even feel what they feel.But i just cannot seem to get it right on paper.My words never seem to do these characters and their stories any justice.

Hence in my helpless attempt to gain more experience, i find myself questioning the worthiness of my cause.But then again here i am.Crying over a boy.After two years of not really stopping to feel anything for anyone.So i would say it seems to be working?Also, i called a boy a whore today.Well technically yesterday.Not directly, although i did say he sounded like a whore.And he got vexed with me.At first i did not care or rather convinced myself that i did not care, because i barely know him and vice versa,but now i feel that it may have been more of a hoick in terms of my actions rather than a well thought out agenda.I do hope the poor lad is okay.

I've become quite mean lately.I think.Moody and even misanthropic.Also i curse more than i usually do.But to be honest i find it quite exhilarating.I'm scared that i may be changing way too drastically in a short period of time.However, my diary entries have increased significantly which is something i am happy with.Although the content i find to be a bit troubling. I had stopped journaling completely but i now remember how therapeutic it used to be and still is.Hopefully i get better at this writing thing.And this whole life thing in general.It's now 5.14am. I don't see myself sleeping a wink today, but we'll see.I have my Principles of Broadcasting class at 3.30p.m. Let's all pray that i don't fall asleep in class.Also, it's my brother's birthday today.Happy birthday M!
I can hear the Cock crowing now.I pray it's a good day.Hopefully coffee will suffice.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

When I feel unworthy.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
Hi everyone!

Source (how gorgeous is this image though?)
I always have those days when i feel unworthy,when i sit down and wonder if i can really achieve all that i want to achieve.When i ask Allah (sw) why He chose to give me these dreams and aspirations.Everywhere i look i see amazing people doing amazing things and i can't help but feel so inadequate.I know i shouldn't be comparing myself to others because everyone's journey is different and Allah (sw) blesses people in different ways,but i just can't help it.

Sometimes,that feeling of unworthiness can be paralyzing.Other time's it's the uncertainty and fear.What if i can't handle all these things that i want to achieve?At the same time,i don't want to forsake my goals because of fear.What kind of life would that be? E.E Cummings said," It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are", and quite frankly,i couldn't agree more.The only problem is, i'm not even sure of exactly who i want to be.Everyday i discover new things about myself.I change my mind.I change what i like and what i don't like.I read new books and form new opinions and ideas.I develop new theories about life that people would think to be totally insane but to me they're actually quite accurate.Everyday i learn and i grow Alhamdulillah.

I guess what i'm saying is that i'm scared.I'm scared of how powerful my dreams are and how hard i'm willing to push myself to get there.Because what if i get there,and i don't like it?And i want to change my mind?Will all that hard work,the exhaustion,the tears and sweat be all for nothing?Would i have to start all over again?Am i even cut out for that?

It's true what they say, that our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.That it is our light and not our darkness that most frightens us.I was recently listening to a lecture by Sheikh Zahir Mahmood where he said that believers should have high aspirations.That you maybe a loser to the people,but as long as you stand with Allah (SW),you will never be a loser to Him (sw).And who matters more really?He is the one who blessed you with those dreams and even gave you the strength to want to pursue them.Because honestly,it takes a certain God-given kind of energy to reach for the stars.And not everyone is blessed with that kind of energy.That only comes from Allah (sw).

Then i thought about our beloved Prophet (saw) and how he was sent to mankind as the final messenger.As a mercy to mankind and a warner to the people.Can you imagine being tasked with such a mission?Subhanallah what an amazing man,he took on the challenge head on.Despite the fear,the doubts,the haters and the bad days.Despite everything,he (saw) marched forward and strove to fulfill his goals.And that is my message today.

If you're feeling down know that you're not alone.And if you're feeling confused know that you're not on your own.Your not the first to feel unworthy or to feel afraid and you'll definitely not be the last.Just look at the lives of all the greats,they went through even more that what we go through,yet they never gave up.Which is why we call them 'Greats' today.So don't trip.Keep your head up and keep pushing.The key is to cast those negative thoughts away and keep pushing because yes.YOU ARE WORTHIT.And we are here for a reason and for a season.So lets make it count.Allah (sw) is with us,and if Allah (sw) is with us then we are definitely in good hands.Trust Allah (sw) and remember:

{And when My slaves ask you (O' Muhammad) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he Calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor).So let them obey Me and believe in Me so that they may be led aright}.    [{Qur'an 2: 186}]

This quote was actually given to me by my high school desk mate Charlene,and i just want her to know that i'm really grateful and that She is such a beautiful soul mashaallah.It's from the movie, 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.'

"For what it's worth it's never too late to be who you want to be.There's no time limit,stop whenever you want.You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing.We can make the best or the worst of it.I hope you make the best of it.And i hope you see things that startle you.I hope you feel things you've never felt before.I hope you meet people with a different point of view.I hope you live a life you're proud of.If you find that you're not,i hope you find the strength to start all over again."

And that's all there is to it really.