Monday, October 26, 2015

On crying over boys,being Stuck In Love and not being a good writer.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuhu
Hey guys

This is what 4a.m looks like where i am.Well its actually 3.47a.m and i still haven't had a wink of sleep.It's becoming quite a trend unfortunately.I also pulled an all nighter on Friday because i had an assignment due on Saturday as well as an exam that i had absolutely zero preparation for.I keep saying i won't be doing this to myself anymore,but there i am, in the same situation every other exam season.Quite frankly, i'm really glad exams are over.I always seem to have this cycle where i think i have enough time to study,realize i don't,realize that i have not even a single piece of information on that particular subject,panic,get my shit together and finally study like my life depends on it.It seems to work for me but i can only do it for so long.Its quite exhausting actually.

Its cold outside.Not freezing cold but you can feel the coolness and dampness in the breeze.I don't like the cold to be honest.Well actually i don't like to feel the cool breeze brush against my bare skin.But i like it if i'm dressed warmly and my clothes feel like a bear tight hug.The frogs in my neighbour's compound are croaking.Its quite annoying because its not at all melodious or harmonious.Just a bunch of frogs with croaky voices competing to see who will be the loudest.Normally its the dogs that are just blatantly irritating with all their endless barking,but today they seem to be well behaved.And i've been up all night so i would know.I wonder how the neighbours deal with all the fracas though.They must really be knocked out.Probably after getting high.

I cried over a boy today.The last time i cried over a boy was in 2013.It feels yerky and stupid now that i think of it.I now remember why i put it off for so long.I keep looking at myself in the mirror to see if the swelling in my eyes have gone down.People compliment my eyes alot.But they've never seen how ugly and blood shot they get when the waterfall starts flowing.I'm quite the ugly crier.I think i might even be worse than Kim Kardarshian, and she's really winning in the ugly criers category.There's someone playing 2pac songs right now, and i can feel my head migraining to the beat.But this being a building full of college students i think late night playlists are warranted.Loud late night playlists.Especially since we're all recovering from last week's mid-semester exams.

Stuck in Love is definitely one of my favourite films ever.Since i've been taking my Principles of Broadcasting course,i've become quite analytical when it comes to watching films.Or anything for that matter.My lecturer asked me when i got married the other day. He noticed that i was wearing a ring on my 'wedding-ring finger'.I honestly pay no attention to such things.I just wear rings because i want to.Also, my fingers tend to magically expand and contract so sometimes my rings only fit on certain fingers.Does this happen to anyone else?Anyway, i was in the middle of my exam when he put a sheet of paper on my desk with the question 'Kadzo, when did you get married?' I simply replied that it was a strategy to confuse all the thirsty college boys.That felt like a much more comprehensive answer compared to 'my fingers got fat and this is the only finger my ring could fit into'.Best lecturer ever if you ask me.

The course is basically about learning how to tell stories through pictures.Filmmaking in simpler terms.Which is why i've fallen even deeper for the movie 'Stuck in Love.' There's a scene where Bill, a successful writer is caught red handed reading his son's (Rusty) journal when it's clearly an invasion of privacy, and he also promised he would never dare to.Bill pays his kids Rusty and Sam to keep journals so that they can focus on their writing.The two are also aspiring writers.It's basically an awesome movie about love,books and a bunch of writers.How awesome is that?Their conversation flows a little like this:
Bill caught red handed reading Rusty's journal.

(After Rusty confronts his dad about reading his journal and his dad explains to him why he read his journal...)

Rusty: Flattery is not going to get you out of this.
Bill: Oh no, that's, that's coming to an end right now. You know Flannery O'Connor?
Rusty: I know Flannery O'Connor.
Bill: She said, nothing needed to happen in a writer's life after they were twenty.By then they'd experienced more than enough to last their creative life, so-
Rusty: So what's your point?
Bill: My point is... Rusty, i don't think you're experiencing enough.I mean the reason you're so comfortable leaving your goddamn journal here on my desk is because, there's nothing you're trying to hide from me in your life.And that really worries me.

To be honest it worries me too.I don't know why but this conversation really resonated with me.My mind keeps on skipping to ten years from now and the regrets that my heart will harbour.Might harbour. And i look at myself now and wonder if i'm seeking out life and really having experiences that will last me a lifetime.And quite frankly i came to the realization that i'm really not that good of a writer.I can see the characters in my troubled mind going on about their different activities.I can hear their breathing, their laughter. And i can almost see what they feel and even feel what they feel.But i just cannot seem to get it right on paper.My words never seem to do these characters and their stories any justice.

Hence in my helpless attempt to gain more experience, i find myself questioning the worthiness of my cause.But then again here i am.Crying over a boy.After two years of not really stopping to feel anything for anyone.So i would say it seems to be working?Also, i called a boy a whore today.Well technically yesterday.Not directly, although i did say he sounded like a whore.And he got vexed with me.At first i did not care or rather convinced myself that i did not care, because i barely know him and vice versa,but now i feel that it may have been more of a hoick in terms of my actions rather than a well thought out agenda.I do hope the poor lad is okay.

I've become quite mean lately.I think.Moody and even misanthropic.Also i curse more than i usually do.But to be honest i find it quite exhilarating.I'm scared that i may be changing way too drastically in a short period of time.However, my diary entries have increased significantly which is something i am happy with.Although the content i find to be a bit troubling. I had stopped journaling completely but i now remember how therapeutic it used to be and still is.Hopefully i get better at this writing thing.And this whole life thing in general.It's now 5.14am. I don't see myself sleeping a wink today, but we'll see.I have my Principles of Broadcasting class at 3.30p.m. Let's all pray that i don't fall asleep in class.Also, it's my brother's birthday today.Happy birthday M!
I can hear the Cock crowing now.I pray it's a good day.Hopefully coffee will suffice.


  1. Okay, so after looking at that image I realised that NAT WOLFF WAS IN STUCK IN LOVE!? And I absolutely agree with you on the fact that that movie is amazing - especially considering it's about a bunch of writers. Thank you for posting that conversation because I now remember it, and I now remember what went through my head at the time. I am now 15 and I have experienced nothing. My problems involve school and working on my mild fear of people. Sure, the world is an amazingly interesting place, and sometimes we notice the subtleties of how people act and how ugly they really are, but that doesn't make us good writers, especially if our words never do them justice. The other day I was reading some Vogue article and I realised that their writing is so eloquent, and they're getting their points across beautifully. I want to have the ability to do that.

    The Life of Little Me

    1. Awwh M you are such a sweetheart!You're only 15 so you have more than enough time to become the best writer you can be, and have all the experiences your heart can take in.Remember not to rush experiences but rather to embrace them.When i was 15, i was just starting to discover life.I was in my second year of highschool, insecure, narrow minded and having the worst time of my life!But it got me to where i am today.Allow yourself to grow.To grow is to experience.To experience is to conquer your fears,to sing out loud,to have fun with total strangers,to pray,to question, to live.That's just life.It happens the way it does.Not scripted and rarely goes according to plan.But still you have to step outside for anything to happen right.Just remember to watch your step! :D Thanks for stopping by hun!Hope you feel inspired through my ramblings!

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