A Brand new Kind of Free.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh

 Hellow everyone!!!

I fell really ill during the last two weeks of my holiday. I was home for the three week break and literally three quarters of the time was spent in bed trying to get better. I never equate illnesses to bacteria, fungi or any other dangerous microorganisms. For some reason, my head always seems to believe that when I fall sick, it is simply due to lack of sleep, excessive stress, exhaustion or dehydration. Because let’s face it, I am somewhat of a workaholic. I push myself so hard sometimes, because I want to accomplish great things in shaa Allah. But is it even worth it when it seems like I’m slowly killing myself over nothing?

When I first joined University, I recall my life basically being going to class and heading back home. I had absolutely zero excitement surrounding me and I could genuinely see my life flashing before my eyes. It was like I was a bystander, watching myself take on everyday life. As if I had bought tickets to watch a movie of my life, and you know what I found out? It was an extremely boring movie.

I was not at all involved in anything other than books, class and laundry, and that realization made me very afraid. I did not want to look back at my life ten years or even five years down the line and think to myself…I have literally nothing to show for these past few years except a degree and clean laundry. And don’t get me wrong, getting a degree is a major achievement that we should all be proud of. However, life is not only about going to class and passing tests. Most of the time, it’s the moments outside of class that we treasure.

So I decided to get busy. I joined a bunch of clubs, took up different responsibilities and got back to hobbies such as writing or in my case blogging, photography, film and arts and crafts. And while this may be said on a light note, the bulk of work was definitely much, much heavier. I became one of the busiest people in my social circle, if not the busiest. And I absolutely loved it. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was one of those people who had places to go and people to see and things to do. I was busy trying to rule the world. But with time, I realized that ruling the world is definitely easier said than done. Juggling all these responsibilities along with trying to get good grades meant a lot of sacrifices. Sometimes it was letting my friends down because I was too busy. Other times it was the disappointment and heartbreak that comes after working extremely hard at something and it still not working out. Or it was lack of sleep, stress and anxiety or a miscommunication with my health. And other times it was all of these, all at once.

Now you guys have to understand that I rarely get sick Alhamdulillah, but when I do, it takes an extremely huge toll on me. So when I got sick during the holidays, I was afraid and I asked myself whether ruling the world really was for me, because I figured I had pushed myself way too hard and now my body was shutting down. Could it be that maybe I simply was not cut out for the job?

I therefore decided to put everything on hold and focus only on school. But I got better Alhamdulillah and realized that I missed all the projects that I was working on. Every day that passed without me doing something that I really enjoyed, something that I did not because I had to, but because I simply wanted to felt like a day wasted.

And so I realized that not everything has to have a materialistic point. Society teaches us to do things for the sake of the point that physically manifests, and prioritize that above everything else. Go to school not to simply learn and become a better human being, but got to school so you can get a job and then get money. Study not what you love, that’s a waste of time, unless it will earn you tones of money, then it’s not a waste of time.

I sit with people sometimes, not aware of the toxic fumes that they emit. And they say things like, “why are you wasting your time with this blog? Where is film really going to take you? , what is the point of you even studying this course?” And because I have absolutely no clue to the answers to these questions, I get discouraged too, and start to doubt myself. Thus I also ask the question, what is the point of all this?

As I was explaining to one of my friends of my disenchantment with everything that is life right now, she said something that blew my mind. It was not anything grand or philosophically wise per se, all she said was, “Mariam, you can’t postpone your life for school, because one day school will be over.”  Suddenly I realized that school will be over, jobs will come and go and money is also fleeting. However, the things that we love to do, those things will stay with us. They will make us feel alive and brave and creative and in that sense we will be ruling our own worlds. So I guess the point of all this, is to simply do what you love, because doing what you love makes you happy. And when you’re happy, the world is alright, even if for a little while.

On Stolen Vacations, Cultural Festivals and School kicking my butt!

 Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh!

 Hi Everyone!

As some of you may already know, I'm almost graduating and so as of now, I am incredibly busy! I would therefore like to apologize in advance for the fact that I may not be posting as often as I would like to be or feel I should be. This semester, I've been taking two courses in my minor which is Broadcast media, my last International relations course and one general course which is Senior experience class.

To be quite honest guys, journalism is quite intense. Firstly because it's so new to me and thus everything seems quite daunting before execution; Secondly, because it requires more application. As opposed to International Relations where we apply our knowledge to real life situations, think about them, discuss and debate on them in a class or some sort of building, Journalism demands a whole different level of application to real life. Thinking about concepts, visualization of how you want the shots to look like, scouting locations, finding equipment and people to handle different roles, actual filming, editing...it's quite the task. However if you have the passion for it, you'll be just fine because sincerely speaking; the end does justify the means. When you see the final product of what you created, there's a sense of euphoria that takes over and everything is worth it. However before that happens, you'll be stressed out of your mind lol.

For my Radio class, I had to do a top 10 countdown assignment, a voice demo and Freestyle project which tests your ability to use elements such as voice, music, sound effects and silence in your work. I'm planning on sharing my work on here just to help any Journalism students who read my blog or simply anyone who's interested in Radio or even voice work. And don't worry guys, my lecturer was highly impressed with my work so even though I'm not a Journalism major, I know what I'm talking about, so fear not! For thy has got your back!

I'm also taking a course in Tv and Video production which is what is taking up most of my time, energy and brain capacity. For my final project I have to film a documentary so you can see why I have no time to post as often as I would like to. Normally, we are allocated such assignments in groups because it's easier to delegate roles such as director, lighting and sound director. However for this particular project, our lecturer wants us to have individual projects. Therefore, you have to find people to help you out with your project and sometimes people have their own projects to worry about. But I'm excited for this and I know despite all the stress, it’s going to turn out great!

Speaking of stress, I decided to take a break and go home because we had a school break due to the Easter holiday!Woohoo!Also because i was literally losing my mind and needed a break.What's  shocking is that I did not carry my laptop so I was laptop- less for four days! I know that may not be such a big deal for you guys but for people who always have something to get done using the laptop, that is a humongous deal. To be honest, it felt somewhat bizarre and foreign. I felt like I was wasting time and that I should have been finishing up some pending work, but since I had no laptop, I had to coerce myself into living in the moment and not thinking about everything that was waiting for me back at school; Which was actually much more difficult than I thought it would be.

If you follow me on my social media you probably know that during my short vacation, I attended the International Nubian Festival which was such a blast! It was a great way to unwind considering the fact that I did not want that to go in the first place. However I ended up going and dancing the night away, under the night sky to tribal drum beats was definitely a treat! 

People dancing to Doluka: the Nubian dance.

Lately, I've been thinking intensely about my blog and I've decided to spice things up a little. To me, a blog should be an area for self expression and where people can go wild with creativity, which may come differently to different people. In my case, I want to stop stressing so much about how many posts I’ve presented and focus more on the quality of the content and what appeals more to diversity and creativity. Hence, I will be introducing more audiovisual and also written work to simply make this blog more interesting and exciting! Also, it will be a great way for me to practice everything I learn in class especially to do with broadcast media and I cannot describe to you how excited I am!!Now let's just pray I can actually make the time for all these new projects I've planned out.

I'm trying to do more film work which is in tandem with my goal of starting a YouTube but vlogging is seriously not as easy as it looks lol! But I'll keep my best foot forward and see what I can come up with.I hope you are all having an amazing time wherever you are and I hope you are doing what you love! Here’s to less stress, trying out new things and living in the moment! Talk to you soon in shaa Allah!

XOXO!

Why I started Blogging.

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh

Hi Guys!

When I first came across the concept of blogging which was around 2012, I was simply amazed. I had always loved writing and the fact that anyone in the world could create content and place it out there to be received by a multitude of people was simply fascinating to me. I immediately knew that I wanted to have my own blog. However I had no idea how I would create one, what kind of content I would be posting or even where I would access wi-fi from, but I knew with all certainty that I wanted to have a blog.

When I moved to Nairobi for university in 2013, I moved in with my aunt who had access to wi- fi, hence giving me the opportunity to create the blog I had always desired. In case you didn’t know, which I presume you don’t, I had another blog prior to this one. It was more so a test run, rather than an actual blog. I rarely posted on there because I never really liked the content I was putting forth. I did not like the aesthetics of the blog and frequently questioned why I even created the blog in the first place. However, i still had that burning desire to have a blog; to create and share my content with the world. I felt that I had so many things I wanted to voice that no one was talking about. And so I believed that having a blog would not only be a way for me to get creative, but to meet like minded people from all over the world.

It was clear that I was not going to give up on blogging. I therefore deleted that blog and started NNF. I had learnt so much about blogging already, but I had not learned enough. As most of the people who have been avid readers of my blog know, this blog has been almost always under construction. My blog name has changed a couple of times, the aesthetics of my blog have changed a number of times and the content on my blog has changed drastically; in my opinion, all for the better.

Initially, I had wanted to angle my posts focusing on life as a Muslim girl in Kenya; for the simple reason that I felt there was so much in the Muslim community that people were not talking about. Things like depression, suicidal thoughts, drugs, boys, youth…I wanted people to talk about issues such as these that appealed to young Muslims like myself; and were relevant in today’s day and age. However no one was shedding light on such issues other than the regular, ‘don’t do this, don’t do that- that’s haraam (forbidden), and you’ll go to hell if you do that’ type of talk. I felt betrayed and saw society as a hypocritical one, because most people were constantly pointing fingers at the decadence of the Muslim youth and how we left our Islamic ways and were continuously derailing in our morals. Yet, it was members of this same society that had raised us. But somehow, we as the youth in general were the only ones to blame. I was hurt because I for one did not want to be a ‘bad Muslim’ I wanted to be good. However people were busy pointing fingers and no one was really working to help improve the situation. I was done and I wanted people to hear my voice.

However, I was 18 and inexperienced. I needed help and direction on how to go about telling my stories. As I scouted the internet for blogs that tackled issues in line with what I was thinking of, I realized that there were close to none. Most Muslim bloggers weren’t doing the honest, heart to heart blog posts that I was particularly interested in but rather more of fashion, beauty and ‘how- to’ blogs were what existed; of which I have nothing against. But that was not what I wanted to focus on. And so I panicked, I kept on asking myself, if no one else is doing such posts, who am I to start now? Then I thought, what would the community even think about such posts? Would they accept where I was coming from or would I end up being shunned?

I have always loved and will always love my Islamic faith. The last thing I would want to do is to portray it in a negative light or have my words commit any injustice towards it. However, there are things that I felt needed to be said. But I panicked and started doing what everyone else was doing even though it felt a tad bit fake. But hey, most people were doing beauty and fashion posts so why not do the same? I wanted my blog to be popular too. I wanted to have a bunch of comments in the comment section and I wanted to have people follow me on my social media. Because what is the point of having a blog anyway if no one reads it?

So there I was, doing things to please others and not myself. I am a firm believer in the notion that as an artist doing any form of art, you have to absolutely love the content you create and put out. You have to produce content that when you personally read, watch or listen to, it invokes something magical in you; something that makes you feel that you have fully delivered. That you have not sold yourself short or held anything back. That the content you have created is the exact type of content you want to see in this world. That does not mean that you cannot create content at the request of others, but rather even though you are creating content to make someone else happy, it is still something that you are ultimately proud of and can hold your head high and claim it.

Until quite recently, I was still selling myself short. When I learnt how to honestly communicate through my words, I realized that it’s ok to be open and allow people to see what you really have to offer. It was not anymore about what people would say or how they would react to my words, but it was more of; this is what I have to offer. It is sincere and real and I really hope you like it, but if you do not, that’s fine too. It’s not about pleasing or competing anymore but about being the best I can be. 

This is not to say that everything I had been doing prior to my ‘blooming’ was a waste of time; not at all. I think it was a crucial and pivotal part of the journey that allowed me to get to where I am now. It was in that period that I discovered that my world was actually broader than I thought it initially was. It dawned on me that I enjoyed doing the occasional fashion and beauty posts. However, I also wanted to talk about important issues; I wanted to talk about history, culture, politics, religion and a myriad of other interesting topics. I noticed that not only had I learnt to be open and tell the stories that I wanted to at the onset of my blogging chapter, but my scope of life had completely expanded. I was not afraid to explore or grow out of my comfort zone.

About two days ago, I received a message on Facebook from Muslimah bloggers asking me to write a brief description about my blog. Surprisingly, it turned out to be much more difficult than I had anticipated because I found myself trying to label my blog. I definitely know that I am not a fashion blogger but I still love to talk about fashion when I feel inspired to do so. I also know that I am not a beauty guru but I love the occasional beauty posts. Am I a lifestyle blogger? Maybe, I don’t know. 

And that is the main reason why I still have not written that brief description for Muslimah bloggers, because I simply don’t know what kind of blog this is. All I know is that I love to blog. I love to write. I love to create and I love sharing my creations with anyone who is interested. All I Know is that this blog is a place for me to explore and make mistakes, have a voice and create. It’s a place for me to let my creativity run wild. And that is really all I could ask for from this blog. That feeling that lets me know that the content I have put forth, is that which I am proud of and that which I know not only inspires me, but inspires you too. Because what do we live for if not inspiration?

Where in the world have I been?

Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh

Niaje Guys!!

You’re all probably wondering what has been keeping me so occupied, seeing as the last time I posted something was about over a month ago. I posted on my Facebook page about two weeks ago that I wasn’t dead or anything of the sort, and that posts were coming up soon. Then again I doubt that two weeks later can still be dubbed as soon. Well I felt the need to explain myself and so that is what I’m doing now. Basically, I was busy settling back into school and freaking out about life.

Firstly, this is my second last semester of uni and my graduation is in August in shaa Allah. Let’s just say your girl has been trying to not lose it under all the pressure of maintaining a good GPA and all the other responsibilities that come with my life in uni, not to mention my personal life. We could genuinely say that my life in uni is kind of like a profession and then my personal life is just that, my personal life. And it is all quite hectic. Not that I’m complaining, I actually prefer having a tonne of stuff to do rather than having nothing to do at all.

I’m guessing by now you’re thinking, Kadzo, every semester is stressful and ‘professionally’ exhausting for you, what in the world makes this one so different? Well, fear. That is the one word that describes how I truly felt at the onset of this semester. I’m an International Relations major taking a minor in Journalism and my passion has always been in journalism; however I let people talk me out of doing that because I was afraid that if I was to fail, everyone would be pointing fingers at me saying ‘we told you so’.

I remember one incident in primary school where my head teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had always admired news anchors and thought that would be a great way to earn some money. I had been told plenty of times that I was great with crowds and could speak quite eloquently and confidently. Anytime there was a school event, I would be called upon to say a prayer or a vote of thanks or even perform something, and I absolutely loved it. Not only did I love how much I enjoyed it, but I loved the recognition and attention it came with. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you probably know how much of a Primadonna I am. And I honestly don’t see anything wrong with that. However when I answered my head teacher with the word journalism, she looked at me with eyes of dismay and said, “why would you want to do that?” You can imagine what kind of effect such words would have on a nine year old kid.

When I approached my family with my decision to pursue journalism, I realized that they were also completely against it, claiming that the Journalism field in Kenya was crowded and that I was too smart to waste my brains on journalism. So then I ended up in International Relations reluctantly, but then ended up falling madly in love with it. I’ve come to learn so much about the world and how politics plays such a crucial role in our everyday lives. Moreover, I came to learn much about Africa and began appreciating my land, its culture and diversity, which was contrary to how I felt about it before. It’s not that I hated my continent, it’s that my thinking was so westernized I literally began seeing Africa as the ‘dark continent’ which is extremely far from the truth.

When I realized that my uni offered minors, I was elated because that meant that I could pursue International relations as a major and Journalism as a minor; which is exactly what I decided to do. My concentration in my major is peace and conflict, and my concentration on my minor is broadcast media. As of now, I only have one IR course remaining which I am currently taking; Regional conflicts in Africa. Consequently that would mean the only remaining courses are my broadcast courses, which are quite intense, hence me freaking out. This semester I have two journalism courses both of which are extremely practical. It’s one thing to have to film every single week, edit and present it and then be graded on it and it’s another thing to be the only newbie to be in that class, filming, editing and presenting. Everyone else in my class is a Journalism major so they’ve basically had three whole years of training whereas I’m coming in as a first time student. I basically have to work twice or even thrice as hard as the other students just so I can compete at the same level as them and get a good grade; which is crucial as I don’t want to be getting grades that lower my GPA when I’m so close to graduation.

It’s quite challenging I must admit, and sometimes I even ask myself whether I’m capable, but I always remind myself of the verse from the Qur’an where Allah The Exalted says, “ Allah does not charge a soul except with that within its capacity.” Surah Baqarah, verse 286. This basically means that whatever you have on your plate, however stressful or daunting it may be, if it is on your path, then by Allah you have the strength and guts to survive it and be successful at it if you put in the work. And because I worked so hard at this course, I ended up performing even better than my classmates who are all journalism majors Alhamdulillah. So much so that there’s this one girl who I believe was the top student before I came along, who literally hates me because I’m doing so much better than her. I can’t help but feel bad about that but I won’t go around kissing ass just to get someone to like me when I didn’t even do anything wrong. Remember when I wrote about stopping girl hate? Yeah I still maintain my stance, why can’t we all just help each other out?

I can’t help but think about the late Steve Jobs when he said that the dots can only be connected looking back. As I look back on my journey, I’m actually really glad that I took IR as a major and Journalism as a minor which is something I never thought I would say. I love both courses passionately and I’m so grateful to Allah (sw) that He had my back through all this. I’m happy with where I am and how far I’ve come Alhamdulillah. This definitely doesn’t mean that I have everything figured out, but I do feel confident that Allah (sw) has a plan for me; and for you too. We may plan, but Allah (sw) plans too, and He is the best of Planners. One thing I will say is never shy away from a challenge. You guys already know that I do not do so well with failure, but it such a crucial part of life that I feel teaches us more than success does. Don’t be afraid of doing something because you’re afraid of failing, that’s how you learn and grow.

So how do I survive uni you ask? I think ET the Hip Hop Preacher said it best:

“So when you fail a class, don’t drop it, don’t just stop going, you’re going to the end of that class. Because I want you to know something, when you start that class over the next semester, you won’t be starting from scratch, you won’t be starting from the bottom, because you’re already all the way up here. Now all you have to do is go a little further. So keep reaching, and keep climbing.”

Granted  no one likes to fail and even retake a class, but he has a good point. Keep pushing and keep climbing.